A Random, Yet Connected Love Story

He was the love of my life. Two decades ago, at the young age of 20.  I first experienced the intense passion, love, intimacy and "I can't be without you" feeling. He was a Tallahassee college student, I was a Gainesville one.  Total rivals. And not the last rival love I would experience. He had the body that felt like a Ken Barbie doll-like none I had experienced. He drew me in.  He enamored me. He romanced me. We traveled and lived life together. But  for two Leo's as a couple, we knew it was never a sustainable love. Everyone knew. But the intensity of our attraction was more than anyone could ever impact, despite their warnings.  But as expected, eventually, and as it should have been, the relationship found closure.

I loved two more times. With men that have changed my life forever and made me who I am today. I have NO regrets. Though some might judge. As always happens.

I must admit my dream was different…Do I wish I could have had the 1 time marriage with kids and not 2 divorces and 2 life threatening miscarriages?=ABSOLUTELY!

But that was not the hand I was dealt. For so many years I have been working on embracing all the goodness I have been gifted, despite the fact it didn't look like what I expected or hoped for.  I did want the husband and kids FaceBook profile and cover photo pics with family vacations.

At any age, and I mean at any age,you may eventually find what completes you.  I hate to sound so Jerry Maguire-ish, but it's appropriate.

I am turning 40 in a day.  These kind of personal milestones prompt reflection on your past decade and thoughts and intentions of where you want to be in the next one.  It's both a painful and beautiful, yet a worthwhile and valuable experience.

It's funny, 2 decades later, I now am in love with a man that exudes the same intense passion, love and intimacy that I had at 20. More ironically, he is an alumni to Auburn, the "loser" to the 2013 national championship game with FSU (which was a bet I won by the way...)

And now I also benefit from his maturity, stability, loyalty, spontaneity, humbleness, playfulness, flirtyness , and "teenageness" that I never knew I was missing. But oh was I !!!! The joy of aging.  It's not just good with wine. Women do get smarter and better!!

We take long walks together. We ride our bikes 30+miles, we drink beer and wine, we cook together(meaning I cook and he watches), we run errands (and I actually enjoy it), he attempts  to run (kinda),  he rides his bike so slowly he could fall (while I run), I watch him paint, I consult him on his grilling techniques, he gets gas, he does the grocery runs while sending pics of items to be sure they are what I want, he runs to Walgreens at 3:00am when I am sick, and sits by my side in any doctors visit or procedure.

Ain't it funny when you have the time and space to reflect that you remember and recognize that the man of your dreams is a combination of the loves of your life. And that while those past loves might not have been who you should spend your life and die with...  They served a super special purpose. And you will forever love and appreciate them.  And if you don't you would be ignoring the uniqueness of how you became you.

So to those who helped make me, me.... And especially to those who facilitated me meeting my best friend, fan, coach and love of my life-THANK YOU.   My life has been changed. And I now firmly believe that HOPE is a worthwhile energy.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

Why does life have to be so complicated even though we watch butterflies, rainbows, and blue skies?

YES,  I think life is not just about who you meet and what you do…  It is about how the people that you have the gift of meeting, engaging, loving, endearing…

That is life… Is not  just about people… It is about experiences. Which brought me to the love of my life…. A day on a boat will change your life…That is what makes us, us………………

So, as a 39 year old it is not fun to have health challenges over the last several months…For someone my age, I would expect these complications to weigh me down much later in life (such as menopause) Laying in bed with concerns undiagnosed… It has been frustrating..

Between ObamaCare, changing or finding doctors that I have worked with , or researching on the web, and struggling with the various western doctors and methods was exhausting… to an understatement. 

That said I found vibrant health through alternative medicine and getting to the root of medical challenges, healing them, not just treating them. Understanding eastern and western medicine.

I choose to focus on the positive.  So today brought that whole vision together.  I found myself at my 4^th follow up appointment at my now,  new gynocologlist that I am meeting for the first time after 3 visits. This is the beauty of Western Medicince… Gotta love those Nurse Practicioners' invading space I only allow my most coveted men (or man)….  They are as intense, compassionate, and qualified yet lack the fair pay, and let me say most are women…. My NP was incredible.

Do not get me started on the 2 months I spent trying to solidify the upgraded plan that I paid more for, so I could have care from trusted doctors.  

So here I am, listening to a gum smacking, tooth popping, burbing chick, even though well  dressed ,and needing the same invasive exams as I, yet she sat there as impatient as I am .Making me more anxious and wondering when this doctor will finally see me… And will this encounter relieve me of the question and yearning I feel for Tim and Timontin (My name for him).

I should start by saying that I spent 17 years with my first gynecologist, the one who my mother still sees, and the one who delivered my two younger brothers, whom I adore…

That said, now pressing against the gauntlet of my next decade, with complicated heath challenges and not living close to my doc for frequent visits,, I finally decided to switch gynecologists. As also advised by my primary doctor, family, and friends even though he was someone who had handled many of my many complications.

So while my new doctor,  who fondly knew my first and only gynecologist, who performed 2 surgeries for endometriosis and was there for me through two miscarriages, I still questioned the desire to explore a new-age female doctor who would find the formula that would be the cure-all.

And so here I am, advised that other than surgery I have no option other than birth control to manage my endometriosis that leads to cervical or ovarian cancer…  Birth control reduces sexual interest, increases weight gain, nausea….And that interrupts my daily spontaneity.

I am sorry… I am in a healthy sexual and lovely relationship that I do not need birth control with. I cannot, nor my partner wants to have children. I get the chemical benefits doctors try to convince me of: reduced cysts, regular periods, less bleeding, decreased cramps, but they are actually trying to convince me into a drug that would take away from the beautiful relationship I now have. And many of the benefits I already experience.

I am not shut off to these potential benefits. But I am super committed to exploring what could benefit my body naturally. Thank you Western medicine. You keep us alive… That said I want to stay healthy each day if I can with natural remedies that will stimulate growth and strength.

So I walk, I run, I ride, I love, I cook, I eat, I love…

Colleen Cooks: New and Improved (or so I hope)

Wow! Sadly, it has been over 18 months since I wrote. As we know, life is full of changes, surprises, responsibilities, priorities, challenges and lessons. So I took a hiatus from my blogging, and perhaps for good reasons…

While I am a passionate cook and lover of good food, wine and beer, I am also a lover of many other things. I have been a runner for some years now, running 3 of 4 marathons for some of my favorite charities.  Training for marathons was what prompted my 1^st love affair with Miami, surprisingly even as a 2^nd generation Native. When people question me with curiosity and confusion about my desire to continue to train and run marathons in the heat and humidity that is Miami, I react with the same curiosity and confusion for their inquiry. Training runs have exposed me to a Miami in a way I never experienced the city I was born and raised in. The sense of community I experience by slowing down and traveling this beautiful and eclectic city by foot is 2^nd to almost nothing. Until 10 days ago. Meet Milly, my lovely bicycle.

Recently I was blessed with a “hybrid” bicycle. Not only is she just simply gorgeous, but she is the perfect companion to travel my fabulous hometown and see a new side of Miami. Don’t get me wrong… It is not always warm and fuzzy or safe. But it is quite amazing the experiences of running errands, attending meetings and just plain riding for fun  and what it can do for wellbeing, balance and life satisfaction.

What I have learned as a VERY amateur cyclist (can I call myself that?):

1.     Riding in actual bike lanes (not the fake ones with a painted bicycle on a road cars travel supposedly equally?) is so lovely and fun!

2.     The key to safely riding in Miami is making eye contact with drivers, smiling and saying thank you when they actually give you the right of way and respect.

3.     That many/most Miami drivers (including myself) are not accustomed to looking out for cyclists.

4.     Riding to meetings even with foundations is a positive thing even if you show up covered in sweat.

5.     Flat tires happen even after owning a bike for 4 days.

6.     There are security measures that you can take to protect your bike your tires and seat from theft.

7.     There is SO much more I have to learn about cycling around Miami.

8.     And, I wish there was something we could do to increase the number of bike lanes and increase awareness and respect for cyclists so more people would/could embrace riding in our gorgeous city without feeling their life was at risk…

And so, it is a short and sweet kind of blog, but I am getting back. Today I was on a 5 mile run, thinking about the renovations to my blog that would facilitate my writing more. Including running and riding were what was missing. Cause in all honestly, who is just one thing? And we are always evolving. Adapting to who we grow into is what keeps us living and thriving.

And so I end with a side story that for me what the confirmation/validation that I needed to get back to writing, but not simply just about cooking. Saturday night I saw one of my absolute favorite musicians, Ray LaMontagne at the Filmore . I bought my tickets the day they were released in March and yet I still ended up with balcony seating (which you need binoculars, or super hero vision). I reflected on the concert with family the following day, saying how amazing the concert was but how next time I see Ray, I want to be up closer. Little did I know…

So I am concluding a 5 mile run today heading home at the intersection of 10^th and Collins.  Listening to Ray, of course on Pandora’s Lumineers channel. Waiting for the light to change to safely cross the street I notice a man who stuck out like a sore thumb on Miami Beach in mid July at 11:00am.  A slender tall man, dressed in pants, shirt, jacket, hat and closed toe shoes with a beard and mustache. Handsome of course. And as we cross paths, in my heated delirious state I think “Wow! That looks like Ray LaMontagne”. And then I realize it is Ray!  Speechless. Star Struck for the first time. And I do nothing but stare. But I have the memory and the story. Which I will share next time someone questions me about why I run in Miami outside, fall, winter, spring or summer. Because you never know the beauty, inspiration, kindness, love and dreams that you can experience when you step out side, one foot at a time. 

Cooking with Love

This week I had the pleasure of catering a colleague's dear friend's birthday in a lovely home in Miami shores.  The menu included: Handmade turkey meatballs with fresh tomato sauce, a variety of mini quiches-zucchini, bacon onion cheddar, and tomato olive pepperocini  with cream cheese (my fav!), mini grilled avocado tomato Munster sandwiches on Parmesan crusted sour dough, chicken and veggie quesadillas, spinach and cheese stuffed mushrooms, spinach and artichoke dip, and lastly fresh spicy guacamole!

 
Cooking this menu in a day and a half solo is somewhat like running a marathon and even leaves me with a great sense of accomplishment when it's successfully delivered. But this delivery was quite a special experience.  Her assistant asked me immediately what my sign was. I smiled and said "a Leo." She smiled back and said I must have Cancer as my rising sign. I must admit that I entertain myself daily with reading my horoscope on my iPhone app.  Silly yes, but it's fun and always interesting when it seems to fit life's circumstances...  I let her know my husband is a Cancer if that means anything but that I didn't know my rising sign. She let me know that there would be an astrologist at the party if I was staying.  I wasn't but was intrigued about the interesting guests I would encounter if I did!

Shortly after the owner of the home tasted my food, she turned to me and said "honey, (then paused and smiled) you cook with love"...  For those closest to me you will know how tickled i was to hear this.  Less than 6 months ago I left my world as a nonprofit leader after 17 years of committed service to explore my passion for cooking.  Many times over the past several years I was encouraged to do this by loved ones, and usually their reasoning was something like this: "Cooking is how you share love with the world, to not spend your life sharing your talent and food with the world would be a disservice."

And so that evening I got my sign of validation that I am on the right path.  Others who are strangers can even taste and feel it.  I love cooking and even more sharing it with others.

I had thoughts of blogging about this experience Wednesday evening when I got home but was simply too exhausted and with much to do in our home as we prepare for our annual holiday potluck Saturday night.  And then something happened this morning that made me make the time... I was able to squeeze in a 7 mile run this morning in between cooking and cleaning.  On my route home down Lincoln road I decided to stop by my seamstress who was hemming my outfit for tomorrow evening. I had stumbled upon her -- the most delightful Greek woman in her 70s, Julia, whose sewing shop is in a small office space above Books and Books on Lincoln road just yesterday after asking Siri where I could go for alterations. Surprisingly she said I could come by yesterday and have it ready the next day. Turns out she has been in this same space as a tailor for 38 years. And with the same Singer sewing machine! When I dropped off my outfit yesterday  I had a lovely chat with Julia, but today's was even lovelier!

I came in sweaty in my running clothes 2 hours earlier than our arranged pick up time since I was passing by. It was ready and while she bagged the piece she asked me about my running. I shared that I had run 2 marathons in the past 6 months, San Francisco and Chicago. And that I was continuing my training to complete a trio, ending with Miami ING next month. Can't say I will not run another marathon, but the commitment to myself was 3 in one year since 3 is my favorite number.  I wanted to start with the West Coast,  then complete a Midwest run and end with the East Coast-my home.

This is where it gets interesting. She points to an article on her wall, which is covered with postcards from beautiful cities all over the world and a ton of pictures of Greece, her home country.  But this article was from the Miami Herald from 2010 titled the Marathon Man.  It was a story about her husband, now 76 who has run 24 marathons!  He started running in his 50s and she has followed him all over the world as he runs marathons in Brussels, Paris, Rome, to name a few. Last October he had emergency open heart surgery and it kept him from running a marathon in Germany. He is doing well now and back to running 9 miles every other day and hoping to run the full ING as well... It was a delightful visit.  I went to pay her and left $25 cash for her services and thanked her again for the quick turnaround despite her need to sew by hand because the fabric would not hold thread with her Singer. She called me back as I left her work space and gave me $5 back, saying it was only $20 ( which she had told me yesterday). I had wanted to leave a tip... She insisted.

I smiled and quickly accepted it back... It was then that I felt, "oh she sews with love"....  And her husband, as do I, runs with love..  Here's to doing more of whatever we offer the world and allows us to show and share love. What do you do with love?

Cooking with Love

This week I had the pleasure of catering a colleague's dear friend's birthday in a lovely home in Miami shores.  The menu included: Handmade turkey meatballs with fresh tomato sauce, a variety of mini quiches-zucchini, bacon onion cheddar, and tomato olive pepperocini  with cream cheese (my fav!), mini grilled avocado tomato Munster sandwiches on Parmesan crusted sour dough, chicken and veggie quesadillas, spinach and cheese stuffed mushrooms, spinach and artichoke dip, and lastly fresh spicy guacamole!

 
Cooking this menu in a day and a half solo is somewhat like running a marathon and even leaves me with a great sense of accomplishment when it's successfully delivered. But this delivery was quite a special experience.  Her assistant asked me immediately what my sign was. I smiled and said "a Leo." She smiled back and said I must have Cancer as my rising sign. I must admit that I entertain myself daily with reading my horoscope on my iPhone app.  Silly yes, but it's fun and always interesting when it seems to fit life's circumstances...  I let her know my husband is a Cancer if that means anything but that I didn't know my rising sign. She let me know that there would be an astrologist at the party if I was staying.  I wasn't but was intrigued about the interesting guests I would encounter if I did!

Shortly after the owner of the home tasted my food, she turned to me and said "honey, (then paused and smiled) you cook with love"...  For those closest to me you will know how tickled i was to hear this.  Less than 6 months ago I left my world as a nonprofit leader after 17 years of committed service to explore my passion for cooking.  Many times over the past several years I was encouraged to do this by loved ones, and usually their reasoning was something like this: "Cooking is how you share love with the world, to not spend your life sharing your talent and food with the world would be a disservice."

And so that evening I got my sign of validation that I am on the right path.  Others who are strangers can even taste and feel it.  I love cooking and even more sharing it with others.

I had thoughts of blogging about this experience Wednesday evening when I got home but was simply too exhausted and with much to do in our home as we prepare for our annual holiday potluck Saturday night.  And then something happened this morning that made me make the time... I was able to squeeze in a 7 mile run this morning in between cooking and cleaning.  On my route home down Lincoln road I decided to stop by my seamstress who was hemming my outfit for tomorrow evening. I had stumbled upon her -- the most delightful Greek woman in her 70s, Julia, whose sewing shop is in a small office space above Books and Books on Lincoln road just yesterday after asking Siri where I could go for alterations. Surprisingly she said I could come by yesterday and have it ready the next day. Turns out she has been in this same space as a tailor for 38 years. And with the same Singer sewing machine! When I dropped off my outfit yesterday  I had a lovely chat with Julia, but today's was even lovelier!

I came in sweaty in my running clothes 2 hours earlier than our arranged pick up time since I was passing by. It was ready and while she bagged the piece she asked me about my running. I shared that I had run 2 marathons in the past 6 months, San Francisco and Chicago. And that I was continuing my training to complete a trio, ending with Miami ING next month. Can't say I will not run another marathon, but the commitment to myself was 3 in one year since 3 is my favorite number.  I wanted to start with the West Coast,  then complete a Midwest run and end with the East Coast-my home.

This is where it gets interesting. She points to an article on her wall, which is covered with postcards from beautiful cities all over the world and a ton of pictures of Greece, her home country.  But this article was from the Miami Herald from 2010 titled the Marathon Man.  It was a story about her husband, now 76 who has run 24 marathons!  He started running in his 50s and she has followed him all over the world as he runs marathons in Brussels, Paris, Rome, to name a few. Last October he had emergency open heart surgery and it kept him from running a marathon in Germany. He is doing well now and back to running 9 miles every other day and hoping to run the full ING as well... It was a delightful visit.  I went to pay her and left $25 cash for her services and thanked her again for the quick turnaround despite her need to sew by hand because the fabric would not hold thread with her Singer. She called me back as I left her work space and gave me $5 back, saying it was only $20 ( which she had told me yesterday). I had wanted to leave a tip... She insisted.

I smiled and quickly accepted it back... It was then that I felt, "oh she sews with love"....  And her husband, as do I, runs with love..  Here's to doing more of whatever we offer the world and allows us to show and share love. What do you do with love?

Giving Thanks Everyday...

Woke yesterday morning to a beautiful fall Miami Beach day that makes it very easy to start a 7-mile run, especially the day before Thanksgiving as you smell hints of turkey, stuffing and fixings being prepared at the many hotels on ocean drive. The scents made me grateful that this last Sunday we had a family Thanksgiving before my family rushed off to North Carolina and Boston for the holidays.

That leaves my husband and me here solo for one of my absolute favorite holidays, of course because it is centered on food, gratitude and loved ones. I had been planning to cook a full meal for the two of us, but decided Tuesday that this year we would mix things up and go out for dinner.  At first I felt sad, but the morning run filled with thanksgiving aromas quickly reversed that emotion to joy.  And the day only got more wonderful and inspiring …

I had a salon date with my oldest friend since age 5, Tara. Accompanied by some champagne we primped and reminisced on years past and got caught up on current life. It was while I was left alone getting my nails done that I met a lovely woman who offered me a touching story of her life. She overheard me sharing that my husband and I were having a first together by going out for what I hoped would be a romantic meal at the Delano for Thanksgiving. Explaining that this was tough for me given my deep love for cooking and sharing food with others, she proceeded to say that we were doing the right thing. Trying to recreate moments with friends and family that are not present is not worth it. Yes the food may be the same and tasty, but the experience will fall short.  It made me smile …

She then proceeded to tell me that she has a “terrible illness”, one I had not heard of, but she compared it to Lupus (I know several women who are challenged by it, but continue to kick its ass each day!). She explained all that she had been through as a consequence since she was diagnosed at age 30.  Now in her late 70s, she is a lovely woman, inside and out, married for 54 years! And this is the part of the story causing tears to well up. She started by explaining how challenging it is for men to express their emotions and why they do what they do. While I understood I also was thinking it was a generalization, but who am I to say this to a woman who obviously has more wisdom and experience. She told of how her husband sold his thriving business and their home in Coral Gables to move her closer to her family in a condo that required less maintenance, as at age 30 her prognosis was death in the next 5 years. Yet here she is, fighting, resilient and as she stated: “determined” to continue living past her beloved husband well into her 70s.

She continued to preach that as partners in a relationship it is essential that one always offer adventure and that has been her role. He is the reliable partner that shows unconditional love at various stages of their life by making sacrifices and never needing to explain why he is doing what he is doing, and she follows, just as she takes him on regular adventures he otherwise would not embark upon.

And even after this lengthy recap of the story I continue to be left feeling an abundance of love and gratitude for my husband, family and beloved friends … and for the power of love, resiliency and determination.

It is a day of thanks, but isn’t every day? I wake to my beautiful four-legged dudes and a husband who may not always verbally express his adoration but shows it in so many ways. 

And I do as well this morning as I make us my childhood favorite recipe, my mother’s spicy sausage spinach pie and sip The Frank Family Rouge that Charles and I toasted on our wedding day.  

Missing all those that we love and hope that today includes some sense of adventure even if it’s just a simple twist like not cooking for Thanksgiving and spending sunset on a blanket drinking a delicious Zinfandel before dinner for 2 at Bianca.  My youngest brother Calvin recently sent me a postcard from his 3 month travels backpacking saying "Everyday I say to myself "I am in Thailand" and then I get chills of pure happiness.  Those chills are what I would describe as joy... And fortunately lately for me they happen with more frequency.  That is a wish I have for you today. So a toast to love and joy… For it is what makes us thankful for everything, without it what would there be?